Yellowstone (2018-Present)

To give fair warning, this review may turn into somewhat of a self-meditation or, more accurately, a psycho-analytical breakdown of my own personality. Because, in attempting to correctly surmise how loathsome this TV series is, I am continually faced with the existential question of 'why am I still watching it?!' Is there something deep in my psyche that somehow enjoys self-flagellation? Is it being a child of divorce, wherein my inner infant thinks that the disintegration of taste before my eyes is somehow my fault and if I keep watching it'll all stay together and everything will be fine? Am I secretly a fascist and the middle-aged white man in me is actually enjoying the right-wing overtones continuously being poured down my neck? These are the difficult questions being faced as each mind-numbing episode passes. 

Where to begin? 

The show opens as a seemingly quite interesting concept. As a man knowing nothing of the ranch life in deepest Montana, there was something appealing about seeing the inner workings of this world and there is some truly lovely scenery to look at. I'm also generally a fan of Kevin Costner, so there was that. The set-up centres around the Dutton family; large land owners and very well-off ranchers whose way of life is under threat by the modern world. There are neighbouring Native Americans (who own a big casino, obvs) who resent the Duttons for even being on the land in the first place, which seems fair enough, and there are corporations trying to take the land with intentions of building condos for wealthy tourists to vacantly defocate all over. There is also the family dynamic - an age-old tale of sibling rivalry, bidding for succession rights, and generally living in the shadow of a patriarch whose legacy will leave a trail for years to come. Not bad stuff so far. 

Very quickly however, the show descends into melodrama. It begins then to feel more and more like a well-shot soap opera, operating solely in cliches. Then, somewhere around Season 4, it becomes an absolute farce. It's almost as if creator Taylor Sheridan knows his audience is the white, well-to-do, country music, maga crowd and starts creating stuff solely for their benefit. Oh, and for the benefit of his ranch, which suddenly becomes a central character and gives a new meaning to the term 'product placement'. 

The Dutton family themselves are all cartoon characters in human form. Costner, playing grisly old cowboy John Dutton, must have written in his contract that if he makes eye contact with another character at any time during filming he will be burned at the stake. All of his dialogue is delivered side-by-side, looking out into the distance, all misty-eyed for the ways of yore. Beth Dutton, played woefully by Kelly Reilly, goes beyond even a cartoon character into something I'm not even sure has been seen on Television before. She is pretty much a walking meme. All she does is drink heavily, slink around being sexy and ballsy and oh so sassy and absolutely none of it rings true. Every time she does something wrong, a police officer will find her offensive behaviour utterly charming and earnest and let her off with a warning. Her delivery makes Daniel Day Lewis look understated. A ridiculous character devoid of charm that we are somehow supposed to love. Again, none of this is bad in small doses but for 5 seasons it is like being bashed about the skull with a Louis Vitton purse. 

Then there is eldest son Jamie, played by Wes Bentley. I used to think Bentley was a decent actor, but here he is reduced to a pathetic, whimpering, weasel who looks like it's his first week at drama school. Again there is nothing redeeming about him and the scenes with his sister are incredibly ponderous and one-note. There are many that border on the absolutely absurd. Most of them make me laugh out loud, albeit unintentionally. They also have a younger brother, Kayce (Luke Grimes) who seems to be the most decent of the three. That is until he becomes livestock commissioner, which is apparently the only job in the world that gives you carte blanche to machine-gun 15 people at a time with zero consequence. At this time of watching, his body count must be nearing 50. But somehow we're supposed to buy that he's just a lovely chap doing his darned best.  

In fact, there is much murder and mayhem in Yellowstone and not one crime of this nature has any consequence. Surely if there were this many assassination attempts / revenge killing sprees it would make the national news? Or even the local news? Or at least the family members of the victims might have something to say? But no. We just murder for the sake of murder and move on. This could actually be said of anything that happens in this series. It all just happens for the sake of moving the plot along. Sheridan doesn't have time for your fuckin' woke "consequences of actions", bro. Instead he's interested only in sick cowboy stuff, promoting the 6666 Ranch and illustrating that anyone who is in any way liberal leaning is a weak-willed heathen that needs to be exterminated by these gentlemanly, murderous, cowboys whose way of life is so beautiful that any city-dwelling, latte-sipping, swine couldn't possibly fathom it.  

In fact, you could argue that this entire series is an exercise in getting across, very unsubtly, Taylor Sheridan's views of the world. He obviously loves ranching. That is evidenced the longer the show goes on. After a while he seems to give up on the plot entirely and prefers sweeping 10-minute montages of people herding cattle through the countryside soundtracked by a slide guitar. It's okay once, but christ it's twenty minutes per episode at this point and this is a season where the main character (SPOILER ALERT) has been murdered. Rather than focus on that, we instead spend time with Rip and his crew camping under the stars and espousing things like "In thirty years, no one will be doing this". It wasn't that long ago people were using thumb-screws so I'm not sure that argument holds much weight. It's called progress, mate. Sheridan also hates liberals, as evidenced by the existence of a character who is basically a physical manifestation of what he imagines the left of the political spectrum to be. She gets treated like a metaphorical and literal punching bag. Her character is incredibly stupid, un-nuanced, and utterly pointless, other than existing to give right-wingers a chubby whenever she gets physically or verbally abused.

As for the aforementioned Rip, he once had the potential to be the only interesting character in the show. Cole Hauser plays the part well and the whole 'life of a cowboy' subplot involving him and the other ranch-hands was, for a while, the sole semi-intriguing factor in the entire thing. But this too has quickly devolved into 'anyone who isn't a cowboy is a c*nt and I don't care how many times I have to say it', which is, suffice to say, not the most exciting watch. Anyone with a nose-ring watch out, you will be punched in the face for no apparent reason. Also, if you played a drinking game wherein you had to take a shot every time someone says the word 'cowboy' you would be hospitalized before the first commercial break. Good grief, we get it Taylor, you think cowboys are cool, but is there anything else?! 

Yet here I am, still watching. I'm on Season 5, episode 10. That is over 50 hours of my life I will never get back and typing that out depresses me to the very core. Where I am currently, the entire show seems to have turned into an advert for cowboying and, even more explicitly than ever, Taylor Sheridan's ranch (of which you can buy all the merchandise seen in the show online). I mean, some scenes might as well come with a 1-800 number at the end. The fact that Kevin Costner's character, who was the LEAD OF THE SHOW has been murdered is largely irrelevant and I'm not even sure what I'm watching at this point. You could argue it must have something, which is why I'm still engaging with it at all. You could argue that I could simply turn it off. This all may indeed be true. It may also be true that, on some level, I hate myself and watching this show is some sort of penance for a past life of sins. Who knows? All I know are two things: one, this show is dreadful and every fibre of my being finds it a tasteless soap opera for people who hate people and certainly people who hate art. Two: I will 100% be watching until the end. 

Please send help. Thank you. 

★☆☆☆☆

JB.